When Emmanuel and I met and married our pictures were strewn all over Facebook. I felt like a celebrity when I would visit Kikam and of course, he continued his press coverage while we were in whatever country we would visit. It was nauseating after a while because my smiles were not sincere and the flame had fizzled. Initially I was excited, but as my realization and tiredness with the reality of what he was in the relationship for started to set in I hated that he was tagging me in this false world he was trying to create to whomever would listen or look at our photos at the U.S. Embassy. Even at my darkest hour, I wasn’t going to be reporting/paying/helping him to get to the U.S.A. so it was futile.
Many ladies won’t admit it, but once you realize it and it settles in to your bones and you let it marinate you no longer want to post anything about your life on Facebook. And after it’s over, after he has abandoned you the day or month after he receives his green card or whatever your set up may be, you go back on your Facebook profile and delete or hide all of the photos from the faux times together. You’re a Facebook lurker and a Google fanatic trying to understand what happened. It’s not you, it was him.
Everyone keeps saying I am strong, but this blog is really for the ladies not speaking up – to encourage them to speak up. You don’t have to speak or type to me, but speak to someone. If you don’t you won’t heal and the scab will fester in to the next relationship – even the one that you should have with yourself. Trust, there will be another relationship – your life is not over. But that relationship that you have with yourself, well, wherever you go you will be there. You cannot do self love self-love as a carbon copy of consumption via books and social media. There has to be action on your own behalf.
One month after Emmanuel sent me a text message that he did not want the marriage anymore I woke up one day and was done. It was a hard month to receive the text message from him and he knew that my mom had just died the week before. It felt like the walls were caving in. But after a month of negotiating and pleading with him to work on our “marriage” I was truly done. I woke up and wasn’t hurting from his abandonment. I was having truthful conversations with myself the whole time: if I can carry a grown man and children, then guess what I can do without his dead weight? I was also reflecting on my wrongdoings and the warning signs that I may have missed. He had even recorded our arguments to share with his family so that he could further prove and show how unfit of a wife I was. Highly laughable. He failed to share with them why I would yell or pick up a knife in response to being told I was going to be beatened. But they listened as they have been gaslighted by him his whole life, so they know better, but choose to ignore it perhaps.
As you can tell from this blog, I am like this most of the time. Imagine being so forward with yourself and what you can uncover. It did not matter which Facebook group I got kicked out of because of my truth that I wanted to share. It did not matter that a business relationship went sour. This is all about me right now and fuck all the rest. If that so called friend doesn’t know how to be there for you, yep, fuck them too. You can do the same unapologetically.
It does ladies no good to go back and forth comparing my notes against his with his supposed culture – if he’s lying already, guess what he will continue to do? It does you, the hating lady, no good to come up offended because I’m pointing out something that you’ve been thinking anyway and now my words are starting to really click with you. Denial and prayer will not make it go away. It does you no good, delusional one, who wants only floating clouds of romance to click Like on because it’s going to give you negative vibes in your marriage. If that man is for you and in the marriage he will be there regardless as to your moment of doubt and you 2 will move on…if he’s for real. And even the African men who have come forward to open your flap and type the horrible nature of “black American women“, you only report from 1 side despite all that money that was spent on you to have another experience in another country – stop the misogyny and the sociopathic behavior.
Happy new year, new you and all. This is not a drill. Today will not be repeated. L’eggo, 2016. Many more countries to explore…and miles to go before I sleep, miles to go before I sleep… (The book, Wanted: Green Card is available on Amazon and ready for you to read it – nothing that you read here on this blog is in the book. Thank you in advance for your support.)