Attack from An African Man

My ex has many faces. One that he always wore was to always smile. It was fake, despite how handsome he looked. Behind the smile he was judging you big time. If you were a non-brown person he deemed you as rich and ripe to give him money. If you were brown, depends on where you are from. Unfortunately I already knew his views on the USA and “black American” women, so I’d asked him never to say these things in front of my family or friends or else…they’d beat his ass.

I guess he was feeling in a sharing sort of mood one day. We were eating ice cream with 2 ladies of whom were teachers, black Americans. Between the 2 of them there is a serious love of teaching children coupled with the fact that they are educated with Master’s degrees in teaching. Truthfully, this type of woman is who I meet all the time in my travels: she is educated and most of the time traveling alone, doing her thang. Emmanuel decided they needed a new type of teaching about the women that they were: black American women who needed his guidance.

He went on to share how black American women are loud and aggressive and they have no idea how to be in a realationship. Imagine the discomfort this caused to the other 2 women of whom were out for a day to relax and enjoy the mall. I was embarrassed. I did the usual social things such as trying to redirect the conversation over to something else, but he wasn’t following me. I even suggested that if he wanted to go to the bathroom, he should…yeah, nothing. I did the soft touches and nudges to try to get his attention…still, nothing. The 2 ladies were getting more and more uncomfortable.

Once Emmanuel finished his tirade of what black American women are and how lazy black American people are in general – the ones of which he’d heard about and saw on television, as he’d never actually visited the USA to know from firsthand experience, the ladies went in. Not in the manner in which he summarized, but in an intelligent sit-yo-ass-down type of manner. He had become what he was mocking, alas, the dumb African man.

In the end Emmanuel and I argued in front of the ladies about how he was insulting other black American women of whom may not have it all together yet and we already had centuries of caucasians to tell us what he was saying. We certainly didn’t want to hear it from him. He called himself dismissing me and stating: “Ah, if we were in my country I would send you home to your father!” I think I was supposed to be offended and I think this statement was supposed to put me in my place, wherever that was, but because I do not have the same background as the ladies in Ghana it sounded more like misogyny and an attempt to shame me which pissed me off even more.

Emmanuel allowed the dumbness to shine through and he let others see what I had been seeing. We have all heard of how Africans do not like African Americans and vice versa. I’ve heard all kinds of statements directly from the mouths of Nigerians I’ve met along the way. It is based in a false sense of being superior.

We can blame nationality, ethnicity, culture, economics and education. In essence there are very little cultural differences between the 2 people from these different lands. There are only egos and a false sense of pride wrapped in the word “culture”. Being ratchet or village – it’s all the same. No judgment needed.

rollersinhairGhana

Ghanaian woman in a trotro

The same single moms in America are equally caring for their children in Ghana. In Ghana they will reserve their words and pray about it rather than react to it in a way that acknowledges that they are really stressed about that Ghanaian man leaving them with all those kids and the fact that she is working hard to maintain the household alone. Reacting and not reacting become the disease which equates to the loudness or the slowness to the black American lady or the West African woman. The Ghanaian lady may have some relief by having a small community of people to send the child elsewhere – the same happens in the USA. This can lead to an aloofness of care. Either way the stress will remain at home with the mother who will pass it on to the child in one form or another. Overall, if you continue to send your child to someone else’s house because you cannot cope due to depression or any other ailment, then you don’t notice that little Emmanuel is developing sociopathic tendences and you may need to pay attention to him so that he doesn’t grow up to be an asshole. Also, mental problems are not seen as an issue in Ghana. You simply pray about it and it will go away. We all know it does not go anywhere, it only gets worse. But to further admit there is a mental issue will mean that you will be placed in the crazy house a facility of which you may be chained to a tree for the day. Ghana is on the humanitarian watchlist for such acts.

If you visit west Africa, the masses of the people are locked in the same circumstances as poor African-Americans. The only difference is that it may look shabbier. In observation, both groups, from both lands seem content to do nothing other than what they are currently doing. Emmanuel’s own personal plight was the exact same. He had no forwarrd thinking plans that he had ever shared with me. All of the plans were mine because I was on a mission before I met him. My track record was filled with winning and losing, which further showed my ability to be flexible and adapt while still moving forward. I had no problems sharing them with him because if we’re on the same team, then we need to assist each other in meeting these goals and know the others’ weakness to compensate for those times.

oprahinrollers

African American woman in the USA – tending to her business. (Oprah)

When I would ask him he would say he wanted to have his house built and own a big screen television. I’d already had this and was looking forward to something else in life. Later he would state that he wanted to go to the USA in order to “get a job”. I had to always remind him that the jobs he saw on television were if you had the education to obtain the job or start a business of your own and don’t forget that there are those who are born in that country who are looking for jobs too. If you did not have that, then you were in for a few years of hardship and struggle in order to arrive at that point. Emmanuel had no higher level education so that would mean that he would have to obtain a GED and then get in to a university or college while I was supporting us still or while he worked parttime at WalMart or at a restaurant. I did not want what he was saying and I’d made that very clear even before we said “I do”. Besides, how are you going to get those things that you speak of without a clear plan of action and reachable goals? All the items that I am even listing such as a parttime job, means of housing, etc, he had not even mentioned. He only had his sights on reaching the promised land known as the USA. Emmanuel relied upon me to bring the ideas, reach the goals, and to bring the money for him to step up and out of his situation. Emmanuel had not held down a job nor an entrepreneurial pursuit in years before I met him. The plan was that I was the plan. His sisters and his mother provided for him, so he expected the same from me. They had already instilled and perpetuated a sense of entitlement. No hustle whatsoever other than to use.

In his lack of knowledge, education, and insight he failed to even realize that when you visit parts of West Africa you will also notice there is not really a sense of pride in the way those of us of whom are not born there have. I used to attend African drumming and dance classes weekly while living in Atlanta, Georiga. You have to ask  around to find that in Ghana. And when you find it it is not filled with the locals, but foreigners. The traditional drumming is a hustle for money, not to indulge in culture of the past or to enhance the cultural bond. As is the visits to the slave dungeons. I’ve been personally offended, like my soul was on fire, from visiting a dungeon in Ghana to find that the locals were living in it and weren’t very clean with it either. You are also expected, as a black American to pay double what the locals would pay. The money is used for their everyday pay, not to refurbish or maintain the integrity of the place.

So the stereotype that Emmanuel was referring to and had decided to make a part of his doctrine of life on black American women is in his own country. There are exceptions and all that, but parenting “as an oppressed, working-class, tired and alone woman does not come with manuals nor support collectives, but we’re so glad that you can sit there and just look while you are entertained.” (quote from a dope therapist, Iresha Picot – gasp! A black America, with her educated self.)

African American women, and our sisters of other beautiful brown skin tones, why do we have to explain anything at all? I think I just had an epiphany: we don’t. Do you, talk to someone about the issue and stay on your path to greatness. Do not allow the beating up of our image nor personality with its perfections and flaws to become a post that someone else can beat up on because their penis is shrinking due to being challenged on their b.s. Misautogeny – hatred of one’s own race .

Share this post and make certain to buy the book, Wanted: Green Card. Nothing that you read here is in the book – it’s waaaayy juicier. 

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12 thoughts on “Attack from An African Man

  1. Ebi Poweigha says:

    Why did you spend any time with him? And why did you let him speak all that? I cannot imagine letting someone go in on me like that, no matter what our relationship is. Once they start talking like that, relationship is over. Not to be accusatory, just saying you’re worth better than someone who thinks that way about you. 🙂

    As for the split between African Americans and Africans — I got to see the difference firsthand, as I grew up in the US but my family is Nigerian. The cultural difference is there and it is real. It’s not a bad thing, though. Everyone is (or should be) proud of themselves and where they come from. Maybe Africans can be heavy handed with that pride, but I think that it’s mostly Nigerians who do this, tbh. I wouldn’t take it personally if I were you, just take it into account. Just like you’d take into account anyone else’s culture when dealing with them.

    ..which does not excuse men of any nationality for using American women for a green card! Afaik this happens all over the world, not just in African countries.

    Liked by 1 person

      • L. Brown says:

        He is no longer my husband, reporting that happily. He will move on to become someone else’s headache or continue to stay sheltered by his mom and sisters, so he is their issue now.

        Liked by 1 person

    • L. Brown says:

      Thanks for commenting, Ebi. I never allowed it, but that did not stop his opininos from coming forward. It’s very interesting that as I share these memories and reflecitons that the other ladies that are coming forward are reporting that their men are from Nigeria, then Ghana, then the Gambia. Of course, I took it personally – it was supposed to be a marriage. During the marriage I asked him if he had any issues of mental health in his family, but he saw that as an insult. Where I was seeking to get him the help he needed so that we could move forward, he saw as an insult. I am so glad it’s over.

      Like

  2. FF says:

    May I ask what you saw in Emmanuel at all? I’m genuinely curious to know what attracted you to him. You say he is uneducated, immature in that he has no life goals and ambitions, and so unmanly that he has women (his mother and sisters) take care of him. He sounds like a complete loser with nothing going for him. What is the appeal? You do say he’s handsome, but is that all?

    Liked by 1 person

    • L. Brown says:

      Initially I saw both of our potential together. He lied about what he had and about his ambition to get to his own goals. Once we were together I learned the nice 6 bedroom house on the beach belonged to his sister – as per him, it is is because it’s hers. He would hid behind the cloak of “it’s our culture” and had actually had plans in his head that we would eventually move in to one of her other houses. Only after marrying would his mask fall off and I would question if there were any mental problems that he was aware of. I think I covered that in another post. Basically, he lied and covered up. I believed it because…why would I doubt him if it was adding up initially. I would later learn that Emmanuel is a sociopath. I’m glad you’re reading. Comment on some other posts and let me know your questions.

      Like

  3. MaybeJB says:

    He was deceptive and as you said a sociopath…but before all of that were there any nagging voices warning you about him?

    Our stories are VERY similar. The difference is…I’m not out of the marriage yet. There were my instincts and gut feelings about my husband. I was so desirous of being respectful and inclusive that I dismissed them prejudice and privilege.

    UGH this all hits home…great read…sad reality!

    Liked by 2 people

    • L. Brown says:

      Nagging voices were there – in particular about his lack of experience and education. I figured, and obviously miscalculated, that he would be able to move past this. He couldn’t and won’t ever – it’s hard to do that if you have a plan to use and can’t see past it. In retrospect all of his actions told me exactly who he was. You know how you are talking to someone and their mind is somewhere else, but they are still participating in the conversation? That was him on many occasions. I pushed past it because I said it was because of my “American english” and he was processing it. Nope, he was thinking on how he could manipulate the situation for himself and if he couldn’t he would wreck havoc on the day and also did overall on the household. I’m glad you have commented. I know there are others suffering in this same manner and are silent. When will you be out of the marriage? Is it in the USA or abroad?

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Poindexter McBean says:

    I have to say that, I actually had to look this word up to know what it meant when someone commented on a post, but I actually understand and have experienced it without knowing. I am Native American. I must admit to being offended when called Indian as I am not from India, that is an entire ocean away from America. That is beside the point. The people of my tribe try hard to be everything we are not. They appropriate Latino and African culture as though being who we are is something to be ashamed of. I even have an Ex-husband of Native decent. I never thought that I would be considered a term I had never heard before, but I would never marry into my own tribe again. There is a saying on the Reservation, “Two black eyes and a broken arm: Native love.” I want nothing to do with my reservation though I do not hate my family or feel they are less than I, I just needed better for myself and my daughters. I will not stay with a man that needs to be abusive to prove he cares. Having said that, I think it fair to further say he only ever hit me once. I will not allow a man power over me after having experienced it before that even.

    Even with that, and not hating my people, just the area, I have been told I was not Native enough. Other places, I am not white enough for some. When do we just get to be people that want and education and a few goals to accomplish instead of being another ___________ (Enter label here. Ex: Woman, Native, Wife, Trophy, Punching Bag)

    Liked by 2 people

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